Pittsburgh News and Boos for Big Ben

If you haven't heard the news reports, Big Ben is going to issue a written media statement on Monday, with no press conference planned.

After being sacked for as many as six games for allegedly repugnant behavior that disgraced the city of Pittsburgh, the Steelers and the NFL, I imagine that Ben's PR-polished, lawyered script will read something like this:

• "I accept the commissioner's decision and I will comply with his ruling."
• "I know I have let the city, my teammates and the fans down."
• "I will use this time constructively and dedicate myself to becoming a better person."
• "I look forward to contributing to the team when I return."

To be sure, Ben is scrambling to avoid a blitz of questions from reporters amid the angry public backlash. In the interest of shedding further light on the subject, we have come up with 10 possible reasons why Ben is declining to hold a press conference on Monday.

10) Alcohol isn't served at press conferences in Pittsburgh.
9) You can't fit many reporters in a small bathroom.
8) His off-duty bodyguards can't block reporters.
7) There is no evidence that it will succeed.
6) He is auditioning for "Jersey Shore."
5) Reporters are usually over the age of 21.
4) He is tired of taking shots.
3) "What goes on in Milledgeville, stays in Milledgeville."
2) He likes taking snaps, not tough questions.
1) He has a play date with Tiger Woods.